Somehow the conversation about porn and masturbation eluded my gang of girls. Incidentally, that seemed to be the case everywhere – across the country, and perhaps the world.
In her debut book ‘Cyber Sexy: A New Look at Pornography’Richa Kaul Padte brings out this apparently ‘dirty secret’, making us realize how little our imagination of pornography is.
The author, who is the editor-in-chief of Deep dives, a blog with in-depth stories about sex, gender, and technology, first came up with the idea for the book in 2015. Through years of research and interviews with countless men and women, she builds on the idea that ‘sexy times’ are for all of us. While your sexual space online may not be the same as mine, there is no judgment involved.
In an interview with News18.com, the author talks about ‘Savita Bhabhi’, why India should decriminalize pornography and why we are afraid of condom ads.
Here are edited excerpts from the interview.
The Ministry of Information and Broadcasting recently announced that condom ads will not be shown on television during prime time because children are exposed to the “indecent and inappropriate” content. Advertisements about mango juice and deodorants – which have nothing to do with sex – often have a sexual undertone. Why do you think this complete contrast exists in our country?
I think these contrasts are quite poignant, but I don’t think this is a specific Indian thing. All over the world, sexuality and the promise of sex are used to sell things – mango juice, movies, clothes, whatever. And kids watch all that content all the time, even if it’s much more explicit than condom ads. But when there’s no ulterior motive, when it’s about real people having sex, it’s seen as indecent. For our moral gatekeepers, that’s what’s unacceptable about condom ads, or even porn. That, there is no other end goal; the goal is sex itself.
‘Savita Bhabhi’ finds a great mention in your book and how it has had a great influence on the youth. If you were to imagine a ‘Savita Bhabhi’ of 2018, what would she be like?
I think Savita Bhabhi was very important to a bunch of women I spoke to before’cyber sexy’. Seeing an Indian woman chasing her own desires without shame is a rare sight in popular culture. And I think that’s why she spoke to so many people. In 2018 I would love to see a Savita Bhabhi variation written by an Indian woman! (The creator of Savita Bhabhi is male by the way). Oh and I’d love it too if she wasn’t so honest! She is practically white, which is very unrealistic.
What is the connection between capitalism and sex? You have said that you want to be part of the anti-capitalist resistance. Why?
Capitalism uses the promise of sex to sell a range of things, but suppresses sexual pleasure that exists outside the profit margins. It also rejects sex that disrupts the institutions through which capitalism exercises control over people’s lives. The family unit for example. In fact, this is one of the reasons why condom ads are seen as such a problem – they refer to sex not linked to making babies, and by extension not to families.
As for anti-capitalist resistance, I’ve been a part of it for a decade now – everything I try to work towards, whether it’s through my activism, writing, or politics, is trying to try the ideologies of capitalism that are forced upon us, to reject. Many people think that anti-capitalism is about being against shopping, but in fact it is about rejecting a system of social organization that puts profit before people and exploits the weakest members of society so that the rich can get richer. We live in a world steeped in capitalism, and I absolutely want to try and resist it, however I can.
Do you think the internet and with it dating apps have changed the way we talk about sex?
Yes, I think the internet has somewhat changed the way we talk about sex – people are more open and able to express things online with a greater degree of freedom.
But I also think we see a lot of the same patterns online as we do offline. For example, men feel entitled to women’s time and bodies, women are ashamed for expressing their sexuality, and so on. The online world is an extension of the offline world, and while it offers many people a greater degree of sexual freedom, it also replicates the same hierarchies we see offline.
Why do you think decriminalizing porn makes women take control of their bodies?
Porn is not a collection of videos, it is an entire genre or medium made up of a range of sexual content. And the criminalization of sexual representation for the alleged benefit of women has never, ever benefited women. All it has yielded is an outdated moral order that seeks to control and suppress sexuality.
If we want to help real, breathing women, yes – I think the decriminalization of sexual content will help immensely. At this time, we consider all sexual content to be illegal. That means we can’t tell the difference between when a woman wanted to perform a sexual act on camera and when she was forced to. By decriminalizing sexual content, we can differentiate between consensual and non-consensual porn, and this is something that will greatly benefit women across the country.
While you mention in your book that women know what they want, a large population of women do not experience orgasm in their lives. It could be because they’ve been conditioned to believe that masturbation is wrong or maybe they don’t know what they like, probably because most men don’t usually think sex is about women. What would your thoughts be on this?
You are absolutely right. The women I spoke to for the book said they know what they want, but it’s not like they’ve always had that knowledge. I think the internet was a space for many of them to figure out what they wanted, because they could explore and experiment with sex in a relatively safer environment than offline. And, of course, these are just the women I spoke to and questioned. I think, given the lack of sex education and open conversations about sexuality, especially women’s sexuality, there are multitudes of girls and women growing up not knowing how to masturbate, or, as you said, believing it’s wrong to do that .
I think it’s also true that most straight men are pretty bad in bed. They haven’t learned to please a woman, and seem to think that the sheer fact of their penises is all it takes to get women aroused or have an orgasm. Thus, this combination of factors means that it is a difficult environment for women to explore and express their own desires. And for many digitally connected women, the internet was the first place where they could do that freely.
You talk a lot about caste/class and pleasure. How do we make sure that fun isn’t limited to just the privileged class?
Internet access in India is very uneven – the majority of Internet users are of the upper caste and live in the city. So I think if we want everyone to have a meaningful experience online, we need to get people online first. And we also need to make sure that everyone gets enough education and context around the internet, so we don’t just ‘give’ people access without giving them the tools to interact with the online world in a meaningful way.
Cover of the book ‘Cyber Sexy: Rethinking pornography’
Was it difficult to conduct the interviews? Did people open up easily, since sex is still considered a big taboo in our country?
I did have my doubts about how many people would want to share their experiences with me, but everyone was so open and generous with their stories! It was a real pleasure to speak with so many different people from all walks of life. And it also reinforced my belief that the taboo surrounding sex often comes from our moral gatekeepers, not ordinary people.
I learned a lot from your book, especially discovering Literotica was quite fascinating. What do you think you learned while writing this book?
I’m so glad you liked Literotica! I felt like the whole process of researching and writing “Cyber Sexy” was a learning process. I was constantly discovering new parts of the sexy internet and new ways different people interacted with it. I really had no idea how big and varied this space was, and just about every time I spoke to another person, I learned something new.
Has your family read the book? What was their reaction?
My dad went abroad to visit family last month, and I asked him if I should order a copy of “Cyber Sexy” from his home so he could bring it for them. And he said, “I’ve got ten copies already, so I’ll take some.” And I said, “Wait, how do you have ten copies, even if I only get ten copies from my publishers.” And he said he bought them on Amazon. TEN copies. What I mean by telling you this story is that my relatives have already read the book or are reading it. And they are all very proud of me.