Shortly after, my partner and I started trying to have a baby. After seven grueling months, I got pregnant, but had a first-trimester miscarriage over Thanksgiving in 2020. The loss was emotionally and physically painful, even with a good support system to lean on. But looking back, it struck me how happy I was to be pregnant for those few weeks. That unexpected joy gave me clarity that we made the right choice.
Since I was 37 at the time, we decided to pursue in vitro fertilization and after about a year of hormone injections and multiple medical procedures, I became pregnant again. The baby growing inside me now doesn’t feel like a parasite or an alien and every time I feel a kick I get a jolt of excitement.
But that doesn’t mean my ambivalence has disappeared. My career requires me to immerse myself in my work in an almost unique way. Once I’m a mother, I don’t have that luxury anymore.
I meet the next version of myself.
I recently spent an hour of my Saturday looking for baby sheets that fit the crib listed on our registry. Why are baby products not standardized? This was yet another example of the mental strain of motherhood, I posted on Instagram.
I got a flood of recommendations on the “best” baby sheets to buy. Instead of relief, I felt furious – the responses only further confirmed my point. The pressure to perform motherhood, research all these products and show that you care about every little detail can feel oppressive, not to mention that this expectation is generally reserved among cisgender heterosexual couples. to mothers.
During the transition to motherhood, I had to follow my own advice.
Get into the habit of expending mental energy on yourself.
Instead of decorating a nursery or reading parenting books, I use this time to prioritize my well-being, knowing that any choice I make in the service of my own mental health will serve this baby well. Having previously suffered from depression and anxiety, I am at high risk for postpartum mood disorder. Staying on medication, getting enough sleep, and creating a social support network are three evidence-based interventions to prevent postpartum anxiety and depression. I take a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor during pregnancy preemptively (with the support of my doctors). I also hired a postpartum doula and contacted a pelvic floor physical therapist for the inevitable bumpy recovery. Putting time and resources into my own mental health isn’t selfish – it’s the most important thing.
Still, I’m extremely lucky: I have a supportive partner and health insurance that allows me to see a therapist, and I’m part of a household with two stable incomes. My close friends, all of whom have children, even offered to make me a baby registry. Which brings me to my second point.
