I had an extramarital affair for several years. It recently ended – abruptly and unpleasantly – and I blocked all digital and phone communication with my ex to make sure I don’t weaken and get involved again. The affair was sexually and emotionally satisfying, but it was also taboo: We are both happily married and socializing together as couples. Now I’m worried about future encounters. Recently, we’ve all been juggling our schedules to attend a small, upcoming dinner party at a third couple’s house. How should I handle this? I don’t want to reach out and ask for a truce; my emotions are still too raw – with pain and anger not far from the surface. I don’t know how to justify canceling dinner to my partner, but I’m afraid I’ll lose it if I go.
HUSBAND
It’s not for me to judge you, but it’s not my job to drive your getaway car either. (I’d see this differently if you had an open marriage.) I understand the awkwardness of the upcoming dinner. Still, after years of lying to your partner about this affair—by omission or commission—it seems like you’re well equipped to free yourself from dinner.
I agree with you about cutting off contact with your ex – not so much to spare you discomfort or temptation as to avoid the constant disrespect of your partner, who apparently doesn’t know about your years of betrayal . In practice, you and your ex have formed a mutual alliance of destruction: neither of you can expose the other without exposing yourself. There is a kind of safety in that.
But I urge you to consider the deeper issues here: you broke your fidelity to your partner. For years you have misled your partner about your sexual and emotional fidelity. (Indeed, you still seem deeply committed to your ex.) If monogamy doesn’t suit you, tell your partner. This dinner is just a footnote compared to your dishonesty in your marriage. I suggest working with a therapist to decide if — and how — you can repair the damage.
Your best lawyer at work? She’s at your desk.
I am thinking of quitting my job as an executive assistant after 12 years. Originally I had my own office, but I was moved to a cubicle about 10 years ago – temporary, I was told. Now I’m in a suite with two offices that have been empty for years. When I asked the human resources director if I could move to one of them, she asked why I needed to. I told her I have confidential files that would be more secure in a locked office. She offered me a filing cabinet that locked instead, and said she wants to save the offices for future employees who might need them. This shows a clear lack of respect for me and my position. Your thoughts?
COLLEAGUE
I know it can be hard to stand up for ourselves. But when the HR director asked why you needed an office, why did you give her that malarkey about confidential files instead of being honest with her? You were promised an office years ago, and empty offices seem to abound.
I don’t know if your company is consolidating space, looking to hire, or concerned about the precedent of giving private offices to executive assistants. However, if we want something from our employers, we have to advocate for it. You did not. (And your employer fixed the problem you raised with the files.) I suggest trying again, but this time more candidly.
The going rate for hospitality
My wife’s sister came to stay with us for her annual week-long visit. We are looking forward to it! She stays in our guest room and we provide most of the meals. If we incur small expenses for her, we will gladly cover them. After she left, we found $80 on the nightstand in her bedroom. We assume it was to compensate us for the extra expense of her visit. We appreciate her intent, but how can we let her know that the money was unwanted without embarrassing her or appearing ungrateful?
BROTHER IN LAW
I can imagine how finding cash on the bedside table can make you feel like a chambermaid in your own home. You or your wife can certainly tell her sister that payment is not necessary: “We love your visits! A simple ‘thank you’ is enough.”
Still, it can be even friendlier to meet people where they are. If your sister-in-law wants to reimburse you by covering the cost of her meals and local transportation, why not let her? There is no need to determine what other people are comfortable with.
Answer!!! (Please)
I’m hosting an anniversary party in two weeks and I’m very annoyed that I have to drag RSVPs out of my friends. I send happy texts and follow-up emails, but I find it annoying. How do I rephrase this so that I enjoy the party when it comes?
HOST
It would be extremely helpful if other people prioritized the things we care about. But they don’t. They don’t want to be rude; they are simply distracted by the onslaught of their own priorities. Stop typing and call them! In 20 minutes you can probably take out most of the stragglers.
For help with your predicament, send an inquiry to SocialQ., to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
