I am a senior at a private high school in New York City. My younger sister is in ninth grade there. We are one of the few black students in the school, and we both have scholarships. I recently heard, and then saw for myself, that my sister is being bullied by a group of girls in her class. When I talked to her about it, she was really upset, but she made me promise I wouldn’t tell our mother. (The bullies teased her about her coat and hair.) I was also bullied when I started school, but after a while it stopped. Not sure if I should join or let my sister figure it out for herself. What do you think?
BIG SISTER
You might not like my advice: Tell your mom (or another adult family member) about the bullying right away. I understand you promised your sister you wouldn’t, but the stakes are too high here. You can give her extra support, but I don’t think you can assess the seriousness of this problem on your own. Bullying can leave lasting scars and, in some cases, even tragic consequences.
This may sound like an overreaction to you. After all, you solved your bullies on your own. But your sister is not you. We don’t know how distraught she is and if she can solve this problem on her own. She needs an adult who can help. (Some of what you’re describing sounds like racial mockery and should be dealt with by a school administrator.) If she’s mad at you for breaking your promise, apologize and explain that her safety is the most important thing.
Now I know firsthand that it can be very embarrassing for young people when their parents know they are being bullied. But your mother loves you both. She doesn’t stop thinking about your sister because of the bullying; hopefully she can help stop it. Your sister is lucky to have you!
No time for real work
I work for a non-profit organization that provides healthcare to low-income people and families. I love my job and my colleagues! The problem? We are inundated with non-stop employee meetings from 9am to 5pm every day. This pushes our individual work for clients well into the evening. Last week at midnight I got an email from a colleague! I don’t want to work around the clock. Can I raise this concern with my manager?
OVERWORKED
I think you should. But keep the discussion focused on your personal experience. There is no need to generalize about colleagues or office culture. Start by telling your supervisor that you really like your job. Then ask for help with time management. That is one of her (or his) responsibilities.
It sounds like your office – like many – has gotten lazy about meetings: there are too many calls and too many participants. (How else could you be away from them for so many hours each week?) Before you talk to your boss, keep a record of the meetings that were helpful to you and those that could have been memos instead.
Then share your plan with your manager. This can help you create a blueprint together for better use of your time. If your boss isn’t sympathetic, you’ll have to create a daily stopping point for yourself. I know how hard it is to log out (and stay logged out) from work, but you’ll eventually burn out if you don’t.
I’m sorry I don’t say sorry
Years ago I befriended a colleague. We don’t work together anymore, but we keep in touch. I also know his brother. When their mother died, I went to her funeral. Then I expressed my condolences to my friend and his brother. But I didn’t say anything to their siblings. I had never met them. Was that wrong or petty of me?
mr.
Don’t beat yourself! You did what you liked at the time. I’m sure your friend and his brother appreciate your kindness. If there was a reception line after the funeral, it would have been nice to also pay your respects to the siblings you didn’t know. But frankly, the day will probably be a fog of sadness for them, and they won’t remember much about strangers who spoke to them (or not).
Separate checks?
Four of us including my adult daughter are traveling to France. The woman who organized the trip is indeed frugal and likes to travel more frugally than I am. I respect this. We won’t eat every meal together, but sometimes we will. How should we divide the costs of these meals? (I will pay for my daughter.)
TRAVELER
Please contact the woman who organized the trip before departure. It is best to make arrangements in advance about the distribution of checks. Propose separate checks for you and your daughter with shared meals so that she and the fourth traveler don’t incur any additional costs that you incur. I can’t imagine any objection. Then she and the fourth person can figure out how to allocate their checks on their own.
For help with your difficult situation, send an inquiry to SocialQ., to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.