My husband’s brother and his wife have three children. For almost 14 years we have been giving their children generous gifts for birthdays and Christmas. It was a pleasure for us to do this – until six years ago, when we had a son, and my sister-in-law started buying him junk gifts that cost a fraction of what we spend on their children. Their most recent gift to our son (a thin superhero coloring book for his sixth birthday) was so crappy he started crying when he unwrapped it. The imbalance makes me angry, on his behalf and on my behalf. What can I do?
MOM
Oh boy! You and I see this problem very differently. I understand that as a parent you feel protective of your son. (I wouldn’t change that for anything.) But you’re wrong to view gift giving as a price-matching exercise. It’s not! Gifts are just tokens of affection.
The most disturbing part of your letter to me is that your son burst into tears upon receiving a “bad” gift. I think you and your husband have some work to do to teach him about gratitude. He may be a kid, but 6 isn’t too young to begin to understand that all gifts are cause for gratitude – even if we hate them. If I were you, I’d get into this issue ASAP.
As for the price difference between the family gifts, I see two options: keep giving, as before, but spend less if it makes you feel better. Or tell your in-laws, without a shred of criticism, that you want to stop exchanging gifts. There’s no need to give a reason, and busy parents will likely be happy to accommodate you.
No devices!
We invited my husband’s boyfriend who is in his 60s to stay with us for a few days. At almost every meal, he brought his smartphone or iPad to the table. He would check in real time facts that came up during a conversation on one of his devices – annoying! — and he would monitor and respond to text messages and emails during meals. I don’t feel like I should be telling an adult to turn off their technology at the dinner table! Our children and grandchildren know that we do not allow appliances during meal times. I’ve heard they call us “mean” for this, but I don’t see it that way. Your wise advice?
STEPHANIE
As a boy, I was often amazed that my mother would lead guests astray about matters that would have been a big no-no for my brothers and me (e.g., chewing with an open mouth or slouching at the table). However, her philosophy of hosting was to make guests feel comfortable – not to correct their table manners. You might think of your friend’s devices in this vein.
On the other hand, it’s your house. If you and your husband think his friend’s devices are interfering with conversation, talk to him before your next meal. “We discourage technology at the table. It distracts us from each other. OK?” (As for your kids and grandkids, stick to your rule. Without devices to grab their attention, you can all get to know each other better.)
Ready to make fun?
I recently found out that my boyfriend of five years was cheating on me and broke our agreement to be monogamous. He swears it was a one time thing. I don’t mean to be naive, but based on his track record of honesty, I’m inclined to believe him. We have discussed the matter extensively and I feel willing to forgive him and move on. Do you think I’m crazy?
FRIEND
The only two people who really know what’s going on in your relationship — let alone your bedroom — are you and your boyfriend. So I’m willing to trust your instincts more than anyone else’s. I only have one question: do you really believe your boyfriend, or do you really want to believe him? As long as you feel comfortable forgiving him and moving on, anyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter.
Still saving the date…
Several months ago, a colleague who referred me a lot of work – he is a lawyer and I am a professional counselor – told me that his daughter is getting married and asked me to fix a specific date. That date is now less than three weeks away and I have not received an invitation. I will continue to work with him. Should I bring up the wedding? (Personally, I’d be relieved if I wasn’t there. I’ve never met anyone in his family.)
s.
I think it is safe to remain silent in this case. We don’t know exactly what happened here, but the fact is, you didn’t receive an invite. And it’s not your duty to ask for it, even if he mentioned in conversation that he saved the date.
If your colleague brings up the subject later, explain that no invitation has come in. And if you’re concerned it could jeopardize future referrals, a wedding gift (later) can calm the waters.
For help with your difficult situation, send an inquiry to SocialQ., to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
