My boyfriend and I were planning to move in together this summer in the city where he studies. I arranged a job there months ago; he started taking lessons. But I just found out he was also applying for an internship at NASA in Washington. (He made the first cut.) I’m happy for him, but also upset. If he’s not at school, there’s no reason for me to be there. So I quickly made a backup plan to do paid research at my school and work on a farm. I can also apply for a scholarship to support myself, but only if I commit now. My friend still doesn’t know if he got the NASA job. I was looking forward to spending the summer with him. Now, I’m not so sure. Thoughts?
FEMALE FRIEND
I want to be gentle here. This could be an early relationship for both of you. But whether your boyfriend did so knowingly or unknowingly, he treated you as an option – not a priority. Don’t risk your summer waiting for him. Now activate the backup plan.
No one should pass up an exciting opportunity. (Personally, I’d love to try on a space suit!) But if your boyfriend wants your relationship to work, he needs to put all his cards on the table before agreeing to plans with you so you don’t get left behind (again).
However, thinking for two is not automatic. If you’re still interested in him, talk this out. Explain how his delay in telling you about the NASA performance messed up your plans and made you feel bad. Ask him to be more forthright with you and return the favor. This is how we pursue personal goals without dazzling our partners.
A middleman for giving gifts
For my kids and husband’s birthdays, my mother-in-law asks me what to buy. I make suggestions, then she buys the gifts and sends them to our house. She asks me because my husband tells her we don’t need anything, but I know it’s important to her to give us gifts. She also sends me wrapping paper and asks me to wrap and hide the presents in advance. She then texts me to confirm that the packages have arrived. I may seem ungrateful, but how can I minimize my involvement in this? I work full time and have a bunch of kids under 7.
DAUGHTER IN LAW
Here’s what fascinates me: Two generations of your husband’s family – mother and son – have tricked you into doing their job for them. This isn’t going to stop until you make it stop! Buying gifts for small children is a piece of cake. And presumably your mother-in-law knows her son. If she really needs gift ideas, suggest she talk to the recipients about their interests. You can also point her to retailers who carry gift wraps.
As for your husband, it should take you about three minutes to explain the emotional weight of gift giving to his mother. If he still doesn’t get it, tell him to fake it – because she’s his mom and you’re handing over the job as her personal shopper to him. That leaves thank-you notes, for which I recommend refrigerator-worthy drawings.
The problem with other people’s money
We have moved closer to family in Los Angeles now that we have a child. We rent. We can’t afford to buy here, and I doubt we ever will. Over the years I have seen friends of their families receive large sums of money to buy houses. A wealthy friend of the family recently asked me if we had bought a house yet. Then he asked when we were having a second child. We can’t afford either one. I went home and cried! Usually I’m not ashamed of my life, but as friends get better – often thanks to parental gifts – I almost don’t want to see them anymore. What should I do?
A.
Exactly what you do: feel your feelings – even the dark, jealous ones – and try to express them. (This often resolves my sadness.) It can also help you see that even though you’re not Richie Rich, you’re probably just fine, and that your friends with rich parents won’t take anything away from you. It can even make it easier to be around them.
Now some people have a philosophical objection to the transfer of generational wealth. But your complaint seems different: that you don’t ride on that just train. However, there’s not much we can do about that. If I were you, I’d discuss this issue with your partner until you decide whether to accept your life as renters in Los Angeles or find a more affordable location that can ultimately make homeownership viable for you.
A meddling mother of the bride
My sister has a fight with her daughter. The timing couldn’t be worse: My niece is getting married soon and my sister has asked us – her siblings and our children – not to attend the wedding. Are we really not supposed to go? I feel caught in the middle.
AUNT
Of course you feel caught in the middle! That’s exactly where your sister put you. Her request seems childish and vengeful. Steer clear of their feud, which doesn’t seem to concern you, and go to your niece’s wedding.
For help with your predicament, send an inquiry to SocialQ., to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
