So how should we proceed, especially if we want to make a rational decision?
I trained as an economist at the University of Chicago. We have learned that economics is the guide to making rational choices in life. We have learned that everything has a price; everything involves giving up something to have something else. Nothing is of infinite value. But as I’ve studied the lives of some of history’s great thinkers, I’ve come to believe that when it comes to life’s great decisions, those principles can lead us astray.
Take Darwin’s list. At first glance, making a list of pluses and minuses seems like a rational approach to tackling any problem, wild or tame. The technique is probably as old as Eve in the garden with the wild problem of whether or not to eat that fruit. (Cons: It will annoy the master gardener, ignorance is bliss, gaining knowledge can have unexpected drawbacks. Pros: Snake seems like a nice guy, forbidden fruit is sweetest, and so on.) But as we’ll see, the cost-benefits list Darwin has drawn up is less useful than it seems. Let’s see some of it:
To marry
Children – (God please) – constant companion (and friend in old age) who will be interested in an – object to love and play with – better than a dog anyway – home & someone to care for house – charms of music & women’s chatter – these things are good for health – forced to visit and receive relations, but terrible waste of time.
don’t get married
No children (no second life), no one to take care of them in old age. – What is the point of working without compassion from close and dear friends – who are good and dear friends to the old, except relatives
Freedom to go where you please – choice of society and little of it – conversation of smart men in clubs – not forced to visit relatives and bow to every little thing – to have the expense and fear of children – arguing perhaps – loss of time – can’t read at night – fatness & laziness – fear & responsibility – less money for books &c – if many children are forced to earn a living – (but then it is very bad for your health to work too much)
Maybe my wife won’t like London, then the punishment is banishment and relegation to a lazy, lazy fool
Darwin could think of more minuses than pluses if he got married. Although he didn’t write it down explicitly, it’s pretty clear what he thought was the biggest flaw: if he got married, he’d have less time for his scientific research and be less productive. He may not become a great scientist. Staying single seemed like the rational option.
Darwin was eager to know whether he would rather marry than remain single. But his list tells us more about Darwin than about marriage. His list of pluses and minuses – especially the pluses – is the list someone would make who has never been married and has no access to the positives of a married man’s inner life. Darwin’s ignorance is part of the reason why his negatives about marriage (Exile! Demotion! Useless fool!) are so emphatic and his positives so mild (female chatter). His ignorance helps us see how difficult it is to make a rational decision.
And note that there is little in Darwin’s list about commitment to another human being or love or the joys and pains of clinging to another person, ideally for life. Nothing about the pleasure of making someone else happy, nothing about the ability to ease his husband’s grief. It’s all about him, which makes sense; he had never had a partner. How would he know of the power of a shared life?
