Five years ago, a new acquaintance told me that her father died when she was a child. I remember the episode clearly because I was very careful in my response. Now we’re good friends, and I’m pretty sure her father is still alive. I met him! When my boyfriend introduced me to her father, I assumed he was her stepfather. But during a long evening with her parents, it became clear that this man and her mother had been together since they were teenagers. I’m hesitant to ask my girlfriend this because I don’t want her to feel accused of lying. Should I let this go?
LB
After my father committed suicide, I told a million lies. If possible, I pretended he was still alive; if not, I said he had a heart attack. Now, my lies may be more understandable to some people than saying your father is dead when he isn’t. But I get that too: every now and then we try out situations that we really fear (or long for) with people we don’t know well. It’s like a gentle rehearsal of memorable events.
The complicating factor here is that the two of you became friends. But if she really is a “best” friend, why don’t you kindly say, “I don’t know why you told me your father died when you were young.” There can be a reasonable explanation, or you can help her come up with one. Ask about her relationship with her father. Tell her about yours. That’s what good friends do.
I know you think you’ve covered every angle here, but it’s possible she’s not lying. Her mother may have met her husband as a young woman, after your boyfriend was born and the baby’s father died. Or maybe they broke up briefly. There’s only one way to find out – and there’s no need to leave your confusion unresolved.
Another Covid Christmas…
My immediate family gets together for Christmas. We come from three different states. I am frustrated that my sister has no intention of getting her 6 year old vaccinated in advance. I think it’s totally irresponsible. When I spoke to her about it, she said she is concerned about the long-term effects of the vaccine. (I’ve told her they’re probably less serious than getting Covid.) I’m also not sure if she’ll get her booster shot before we meet. How can I bring this up again without being called controlling?
SISTER
You don’t mention that you or your sister have scientific expertise. So with all due respect, your exchange of lay medical opinions is pretty useless. The Pfizer BioNTech The vaccine was rigorously tested by the Food and Drug Administration and determined to be safe and effective for children ages 5 and older.
When you talk to your sister again, explain that you’re just collecting facts about the holidays. In the absence of agreed Covid protocols, you will have to decide for yourself about participation. If your sister is still indecisive, assume that she will not take the booster and her son will not be vaccinated.
Next, talk to your doctor about the risks of spending time with them at your particular party. (Will it be big? Within? Multiple generations? Are you at special risk of becoming seriously ill from a Covid infection?) Then call informed and share it with the other attendees. That’s called being clear, not controlling.
What’s another $35?
I work at a small company. We’re doing a Secret Santa exchange. The spending limit is $25. I found the perfect gift for my recipient—a tote bag printed with an appropriate message—but it cost about double the limit. I don’t think anyone would guess that the bag costs $60. But I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. Can I buy it?
ML
I’ve always considered Secret Santa’s spending limits suggestive rather than literal. The pursuit of relatively low prices helps to determine the symbolic nature of the gifts. As you say, it can be uncomfortable if the scale of giving isn’t right. So, if you truly believe that people will think the tote bag costs $25 – and you don’t mind spending $60 – go for it!
You are too old for this!
We have a loving relationship with our 30 year old son. As we prepare for Christmas, we feel outraged in advance that our gift exchange will likely be one-sided: we’ll buy presents for him; he won’t buy us anything. He won’t seem grateful either. He acts as if our gifts are his birthright. To help!
MOM
Many parents of young adults feel the pressure to lure their children home with gifts. But your resentment seems to outweigh your son’s presence. Luckily there is still time to talk to him! Neatly tell him what you wrote to me, although I would tone down the “birthright” angle. Rights are not innate, but rather cherished.
Tell him he’s old enough to make vacation a real exchange. And remind him that the cost of his gifts is irrelevant. He may be stuck in his view of himself as the child in your relationship. Hopefully a firm push will straighten him out.
For help with your difficult situation, send an inquiry to [email protected], to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.