My brother-in-law, who lives out of state, was recently convicted of a serious violent crime and sentenced to life in prison. My wife and her parents are understandably shocked by this. They have regular video calls with him and often talk about “when he gets home.” My problem: We have two young children, ages 7 and 9. They see their uncle every now and then on these phone calls, but they don’t know anything about his crime. They just think he’s gone. I know they’re too young to hear the graphic details of his situation, but I think we need to tell them something before they hear about it from anyone else. My wife disagrees. What do you think?
PA
Children are often more observant than we think. For example, I’d be surprised if yours hasn’t picked up on the grief of their mother and grandparents yet. This environmental discomfort, along with children’s general tendency to feel (wrongly) responsible for family problems, can be worse than an age-appropriate discussion of the facts.
I commend you for trying to avoid this. As you suggest, it would probably be more upsetting for your kids to hear about their uncle on the playground than about you. I also sympathize with your wife, who wants to protect your children and probably struggles with anger, shame and grief for her brother and his victim.
Introduce her to a kid-friendly conversation: “Your uncle hurt someone very much and his punishment is to spend a long time in prison.” Your children will certainly have questions, and you and your wife should answer them truthfully, while avoiding graphic details and emphasizing their safety.
If you have the resources, talk to a therapist about your wife’s reluctance to talk to your children and, hopefully, practice helpful conversation with them when you both agree the time is right. is.
For the taking
My father was an artist; he died 30 years ago. My stepmother remarried a year later, but the marriage did not last long. She eventually moved across the country. We rarely speak. Recently, her ex-husband’s son told me he had some of my father’s paintings, and he asked me if I wanted them. I’m quite excited about this! I didn’t get many personal belongings when my father died. But now my stepmother wants the paintings too. I wonder why she didn’t take them 30 years ago. What should I do if I get the paintings back? If you tell me to send them back to my stepmother, who should pay the postage? We both have a fixed income.
DAUGHTER
After decades, it’s probably safe to assume that any applicable state law would determine that your stepmother had left the paintings — unless her ex-husband agreed to store them for her indefinitely. But since there are a few, wouldn’t it be easier (and more generous) to keep a few paintings and gift one or two to your stepmother? And if she wants one, she has to pay for the shipping.
Strange man from
A group of a dozen friends have remained close since high school. We are now in our 30s. One of us is getting married this year and the bride-to-be plans to invite all but one of the group members to the wedding. I’m sure she’s not evil. She and the uninvited person simply drifted away over time. The problem is that the uninvited expects an invite, given the general proximity of the group. Does someone have to say something to him before the invitations go out?
FEARFUL FRIEND
Forgive me, but I find it hard to imagine a group of 12 as close. It’s been over ten years since you graduated from high school. Do you have them all for dinner? Did none of you leave? I would stay out of this. Grooms decide who to invite to their (often expensive) wedding.
And invitation decisions are generally made based on close ties to individual invitees — not membership in larger affinity groups. It’s a shame only one of the old gang didn’t make it. Still, it’s kindest not to say anything to your friend about the invitation or the wedding and sympathize with him if he’s hurt by his exclusion. Unfortunately, not all of us can be invited to everything.
Congratulations?
At least once a week, when I pick up my second-grade daughter from school, a woman I barely know comes up to me to tell me how brilliantly her own child is doing at school: she makes the most of her classes; her teachers love her; she scored the winning goal in football! Her daughter is in the same class as mine. I find her behavior bizarre. Do you?
LILY
Actually, I feel sorry for her. I’m sure these encounters are annoying for you, but in my experience, people with healthy self-esteem don’t bombard strangers with their children’s achievements. I would try to avoid her. But if you can’t, just say you’re happy for her and move on. It doesn’t sound like you’re close enough to have an honest conversation (and suffer the possible consequences).
For help with your difficult situation, send an inquiry to SocialQ., to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
