I’m sorry you had such a hard time and I hope your situation improves, and soon. We are in a pandemic. Nothing is normal and employers must recognize that their employees are human beings in a human body.
keep up appearances
Zoom’s sprawl since the start of the pandemic also seems to have led to some unwanted comments about my appearance. I was told by a male colleague that I should try to bring more “energy” during video calls – despite feeling completely exhausted, in the midst of a global pandemic, and doing my best to stay healthy while trying to help my school-age children take up the challenges of distance learning. A year later, I’m on the phone again, at a different company, and the first thing another male colleague says is that I look too “serious” on video calls.
In both cases I didn’t know either man very well, nor had I worked with either of them for a long time. In either case, I felt too overwhelmed to react at the time. However, I did write a follow-up email to the first man to explain that I felt his comments were unjustified and unfair given the state of the world at the time.
In the unfortunate event that this happens again, what am I supposed to say to indicate that these kinds of comments are not okay?
— Anonymous, Washington
The polite response:
“I invite you to stop commenting on my appearance immediately. It is none of your business and has nothing to do with our work together.”
The less polite response is to repeat what they said, but up a notch. For example, if they notice that you look tired, tell them they look haggard. They will eventually get the message.
Dangerous road conditions
I recently attended a conference that was a 90 minute drive away. My colleague and I agreed to split the driving. She drove first and told me how sensitive she was about her driving skills and how she had been formally reprimanded by our boss years ago. When we got to the highway, I understood why. She drove like an absolute maniac. We were in the 90s, weaving lanes in and out, and at one point she pulled out her phone, and that’s when I told her to focus on the road.
That comment made her very unhappy (although she did put the phone down). She is originally from another country where the driving habits may be different, but I was genuinely afraid for my life. But I also worried about poisoning our working relationship and potentially endangering her job.
Aside from taking over all future driving duties – which would tire me and make me very resentful – how can I tell her without hurting her feelings that she drives like someone who seems to want to die?
I drive with a heavy foot but drive at more than 90 mph? That’s a bit much. Sometimes you have to tell a co-worker a difficult truth. You can’t control how your colleague receives your feedback. I would tactfully tell her that her driving makes you feel unsafe. Keep in mind that you’d rather she drive closer to the speed limit and have no device. She may be sensitive to her driving style, but she has no right to endanger your life or the lives of those she shares roads with.
Roxane Gay is the author, most recently, of “Hunger” and a contributing opinion writer. Write her down [email protected].