Marriage is a solution to several problems that cause an infinite number of additional problems. Marriage can heal or worsen your loneliness. Marriage can make you feel much stronger than you really are and a lot weaker than you really are. Marriage can feel like a soothing meditation retreat or a dirty date or a very long lunch with the most mind-bending repetitive human being to ever walk the earth. Each week is a little different from the last.
After my breakdown, I tell Bill I need some time to myself. I can’t keep everyone together anymore. Bill apologizes. He says traveling is stressful. He tells us that we walked a lot, which is hard on his bad knee. He reminds me of how he broke his tooth on a piece of hard bread in Melbourne, a story he told to every person we met ever since Melbourne.
“I remember,” I answer, wishing I didn’t.
Marriage requires amnesia, a mute button, a filter on the lens, a muffler, some blinders, some bumpers, some earplugs, a nap. You have to erase these stories, lose this tape, zoom out, slowly dissolve to black. I’m starting to spend more time in my head. I’m starting to daydream more.
Surviving a marriage requires self-care, alone time, time away, meditation, escape, selfishness. I can’t blame him for being tense, I tell myself while walking around the island alone, headphones on, bird droppings raining down every few feet. I can’t get mad just because he’s a mere mortal with flaws. When I blame him, I just feel guilty, and then I start blaming myself. But I’m just a mere mortal with flaws.
After several nights on the island, Bill and I start telling the kids to walk back to the hotel room after dinner and use their phones for as long as they want. Then we have a drink and stare at the ocean without them. We talk about the division of each child’s day: what did the oldest hate today? What decision did the young person question?
During these conversations, I encourage Bill to be more like me: give up control. Relax. Let these birds make their noise and they will soon become silent. Treating them like they’re doing it wrong will only make it worse.