I need help redeeming gifts at my family’s Christmas celebration. The rules: All adults buy gifts for all children, and we also buy one gift (maximum $50) for an adult whose name we randomly choose on Thanksgiving. Every year I spend a lot of time thinking about what gift my recipient would like, and I always spend the maximum dollar amount. The gifts I get in return are usually cheap and don’t seem to have been given much thought. I find the exchange disappointing, and it makes me depressed that I keep hoping for more. Is there a better way to go about this?
LANE
I get it: your “love language,” as popular psychology puts it, are gifts. For other members of your family it is slightly different. Yet you keep hoping for meaningful gifts, and every year you are disappointed. This is like regularly shopping for heirloom tomatoes at the hardware store. You will never find them there! Try to lower your expectations before unpacking begins. Consider the other ways your family members show they care.
Now let’s go a step further. I assume you, like many of us, spend a lot of time thinking about things that can enrich your life: an Elizabeth Strout novel, quality olive oil, tickets to ‘Company’. If you don’t feel empowered to buy these things for yourself yet, do it – and enjoy!
I am also here to tell you that there may come a time when even thoughtful gifts cannot move you. Over the years, in my experience, the joy that once came out of gift boxes has been replaced by unexpected glimpses of sunlit leaves or playing with a cuddly puppy at an animal shelter. Also look for these sensory experiences. Because our relationship with material culture is always shifting.
The problem with re-poisoning
My neighbors spend their winters in Florida. Recently a box of pears arrived on their porch. I moved it to the side of their house so no one would take it. There was a gift message on a friend’s box, wishing them a happy holiday. I emailed my neighbor about the delivery and got a prompt reply: she claimed the pears were a Christmas present for my family that was accidentally delivered to her address. Should I thank her for the pears, or should I mention the gift message from her family’s friends? I would hate it if they didn’t get a decent thank you. (Also: the pears are delicious!)
THEN
Remote regifting has a high level of difficulty. For example, from a distance we can’t know whether a book has a personal message, or whether the damn pears came with a note. Gifts must be examined before being given to another recipient.
Your neighbor’s gesture was thoughtful, despite her cocky claim that the pears were always meant for you. (She could have given them to any number of pear lovers who just had to stop by her house to pick them up.)
Spare her the embarrassment of drawing attention to her lie. Place their friends’ gift cards with the rest of the mail that accumulates during their absence. Your neighbors can send them a thank you note when they return.
A ‘wasted’ wreath
We have a generous customer who sends us a large fresh Christmas wreath every year. While we appreciate the gesture, we are Jewish and not inclined to display a symbol of Christian significance such as a wreath. Should we thank the customer and tell them the gift was wasted on us, or should we just thank the customer and give the wreath to an employee who will appreciate it?
p.
Fun Fact: Wreaths predate Christianity; their roots go back to ancient Rome. Still, I get your point. Today, wreaths are associated with Christmas.
Since you felt strong enough on this matter to write, you need to say something to your client. However, I wouldn’t tell him that “the gift is useless” to you, as you suggest. Sincerely thank him for his generosity and tell him you gave the wreath to a co-worker celebrating Christmas. That should work.
You had to invite them?
Friends invited my husband and me to spend the New Year’s weekend with them at their mansion. We were supposed to be four, and it sounded like heaven. Since then I heard that our friends had invited another couple to the party. Unfortunately, they are strongly opposed to Covid-19 vaccines, and I don’t feel comfortable spending a weekend with them. I know I have to send our regrets. But it also seems inevitable that at some point we will find ourselves in the company of unvaccinated people. Am I too careful?
ANONYMOUSLY
Send Regret! If current vaccination rates indicate that we are inadvertently coming into contact with unvaccinated people, then that is an argument for being more careful to avoid them when we can. It also advocates clarity and immediacy. Thank your friends for their kind invitation and tell them you don’t feel comfortable spending the weekend with their unvaccinated guests.
For help with your difficult situation, send an inquiry to [email protected], to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.