In September 2018, Lauren Davis Pariani and Kate Elizabeth Schatz met in a schoolyard. Their sons, who had just started kindergarten, became best friends soon after, and over multiple playdates, the two women forged a close bond.
At the time, both lived with their husbands in Alameda, California, a small island community near Oakland.
“When I met Kate, I knew she would change my life, but I wasn’t quite sure how,” says Ms. Pariani, who works as a patient advocate at the biotechnology company Genentech. “I remember thinking, ‘I’m not the only one like me.'”
Ms. Pariani had some problems in her marriage and the supportive friendship was a godsend. Still, the texts that flew between her and Ms. Schatz seemed more intimate than what she thought was normal for a “mom friendship,” she said.
But for Ms. Schatz, 44, whose marriage was solid, meeting Ms. Pariani, 43, also brought about complicated feelings. After a stable childhood in San Jose, California, she attended the University of California, Santa Cruz, where she graduated with a double bachelor’s degree in women’s studies and creative writing before earning an MFA in Literary Arts from Brown.
Ms. Schatz, author, activist and public speaker, is the author of the Rad Women book series and “Do the Work: An Anti-Racist Activity Book” co-written with W. Kamau Bell. Before her marriage, she had been involved with both men and women, she said.
As their children played together after school and on weekends, the bond between the women deepened. In January 2019, they cycled to a friend’s birthday party and then stopped at a local bar for a drink. Seated close together, Mrs. Pariani boldly asked the question that had haunted both of them: “What’s the matter here?” she said.
“I’m married, but I’m queer,” said Ms. Schatz, who went on to confess her strong feelings for Ms. Pariani. Mrs. Pariani’s answer was direct: “Me too,” she said.
The confession prompted Mrs. Schatz to share the news with her husband and soon after, the couple opened up about their relationship. “At that point, I couldn’t imagine a divorce,” says Ms. Schatz, whose parents have been married for nearly 50 years.
Ms. Pariani, who grew up in a devout Christian household in Dallas with parents who divorced in her twenties, graduated from the University of Texas at Austin with a degree in art history before moving to California in 2005.
As their relationship escalated into full love, each woman struggled with the seriousness of the situation. In January 2020, after Ms. Pariani divorced her husband, Ms. Schatz finally admitted to herself, and soon to her husband and two children, that her heart and future belonged exclusively to Ms. Pariani.
In the following years, the couple weathered the pandemic along with many changes, including grief after the dissolution of their marriage; the building and fusion of their new family; and the prolonged illness and death of Mrs. Pariani’s mother. There were doubts, they said, but the challenges cleared the path.
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“Kate has an incredible brain full of facts,” said Ms. Pariani. “She has given me so much strength and made me better and bolder.”
“Lauren is smart, sexy, thoughtful and fiercely protective,” said Ms. Schatz. “I feel completely seen with her.”
In January 2022, Mrs. Schatz took the first step towards marriage with one of many marriage proposals. During a couple’s escape to Joshua Tree National Park, Mrs. Schatz showed an ecstatic Mrs. Pariani a ring with five sapphires representing the family unit.
Weeks later, Ms. Pariani organized an elaborate bicycle scavenger hunt for Ms. Schatz. The last stop was the elementary school square where they had met, where Mrs. Pariani was waiting with a diamond ring and their children. Yet another proposal came from the kids who, with help, proposed family by putting on shirts that read “She said yes, so did she.”
On June 22, the couple married at Boon Hotel + Spa in Guerneville, California. Julia Mayer, a friend of the couple and a Universal Life pastor, performed in front of 100 guests.
Accompanied by their children, surrounded by redwoods, the women stood in front of an inverted triangle covered in bright flowers and exchanged deeply personal and sometimes political vows appealing to the long fight for same-sex marriage and the current challenges for LGBTQ people. rights . An empty chair covered in marigolds stood in tribute to Mrs. Pariani’s mother.
During the ceremony, the guests verbally agreed to support both the marriage and the “protection of queer unions”. Afterwards, the revelers danced until the community curfew stopped the music, but then spontaneously burst into a sing-along of “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life.”
“I always wanted to be a lesbian growing up,” Ms. Schatz said with a laugh. “But it took me some time to get there.”