My partner’s parents often complain to him that they don’t speak to our kids often enough or have a closer relationship with me. My partner then asks me to get the kids to call and put in more of an effort myself. But my in-laws never call or text us! I explained to him that relationships are a two way street and it is not reasonable to expect us to initiate all contacts. However, he does not want to upset them. As a background: His parents are financially generous with us (granting large loans and taking us on expensive trips). But for years I’ve heard them talk unkindly about me when they thought I wasn’t there: criticizing me, our home, my interactions with my partner, and the way we’re raising our kids. Any advice?
DAUGHTER IN LAW
The most important relationship here is between you and your partner, right? Let’s focus on that. You tell him to tell about the unfair burden of initiating all contact with your in-laws. And it seems unlikely that you would have kept quiet (at least to him) about their overheard digs at you. So, how does your partner suggest dealing with these issues?
I understand he doesn’t like to upset his parents, but he can’t reasonably expect your relationship with them to flourish or even encourage your kids to call people who insult you behind your back – unless he believes that the emotional work of dealing with his parents is your job, or that you and your children are bought and paid for by the generosity of his parents. Neither position is attractive.
Talk to your partner. There probably can’t be any meaningful improvement in relationships here without all the adults talking about the criticism you’ve received (which, by the way, may be valid, but still probably won’t take you kindly to them). Or you can carry on as things are, while your spouse’s parents nag at him about you and the kids, all the while taking out hefty loans and paying for vacations. You and your partner need to chart a course together.
Asking a friend to read between the bottom lines
I have a good friend from childhood. We talk on the phone about work, our kids, and mutual friends. The problem: My girlfriend often mentions how much things cost: how much was spent, how much was saved, etc. She is financially well off. I once made it clear that we are not financial equals, hoping she would take the hint. She didn’t, and her insensitivity is starting to hurt my feelings. How do I tell her I love being in touch but her constant references to money make me feel uncomfortable?
FRIEND
I would turn off the oblique hints. How was your girlfriend supposed to know that you wanted her to stop talking about money simply because you told her you weren’t “financial equals”? I understand that means you have less money than they do. Still, the mere mention of your relative positions in no way conveys your desire.
If you want your “good friend” to stop talking about cash, tell her! Money is a source of anxiety for many people – even those who are financially comfortable. It often finds its way into conversations with intimates. So don’t be shy about repeating your needs if necessary.
Just out of view
Is it fair that I’m offended that my boyfriend’s mom doesn’t put me in the picture on her family’s Christmas card? Her son and I have been dating for almost four years; we live together, have a dog together, and we follow to be engaged in 2023. Two daughters-in-law feature prominently, which leads me to believe I’m being excluded because we haven’t exchanged rings. Am I too sensitive?
GIRLFRIEND
It’s not my job to judge your feelings. I’m sorry you feel left out. And I bet you’re right: your boyfriend’s mom probably thinks of family as blood relatives and their legal spouses. It’s not an uncommon image, and it’s her Christmas card after all.
I would feel differently if you didn’t have the right to get married, or even if you were a committed couple who decided marriage wasn’t for you. But you and your boyfriend seem to be in a different phase: living together but not ready to be engaged. (And I have no idea what “follow to get engaged” means.) If you disagree, talk to your boyfriend. Maybe the two of you can approach his mother about next year’s card.
You, me and 2023
My girlfriend, whom I love very much, wants us to exchange resolutions. She thinks we stand a better chance of preserving them this way and holding each other accountable. Can I tell her I think New Year’s resolutions are stupid?
CHAS
Well, I agree that many New Year’s resolutions are short-lived: lose 10 pounds or learn Mandarin. They are often forgotten within a week! But maybe your girlfriend suggests resolutions that are more personal to you and her: cook more at home or take more road trips. If not, send her in that direction. It seems smart to create shared goals for your relationship for the year ahead.
For help with your tricky situation, send an inquiry to SocialQ., to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.