My boyfriend (aged eight months) and I are madly in love. He often talks about marriage and our future together. We are in our late sixties, but because of the geographical distance we can only spend a few hours a week together – and never at his house. Why? He lives with his cruel ex-wife who forbids visitors. They divorced 20 years ago, but continued to share a house “for the sake of the children”, who are now adults. They are now hosting their grandchildren. My boyfriend wants to sell the house and divide the proceeds, but his embittered ex-wife refuses. (He can’t afford to walk away from the property.) He’s all I want, but this is starting to get painful. What should I do?
GIRLFRIEND
I’m sorry for your predicament. But I think it’s time to take a closer look at your boyfriend’s story. Despite his fondness for fairytale motives, his ex-wife is not an evil witch who holds him hostage in a castle tower. He has stayed with her – and will continue – for 20 years after their divorce, because he wants to.
Indeed, he may not be able to leave an important possession, such as their marital home. But a divorce attorney can help solve this problem, either by forcing a sale or negotiating some other fair settlement. This would free it up and give you the comfort of forward motion.
Your friend may already know this. Still, give him the benefit of the doubt and share your feelings, as well as a possible solution. My fear is that he hasn’t implemented an exit strategy because he prefers the familiar (albeit sometimes unpleasant) amounts of home and family. Consider moving on unless you see signs of progress or can tolerate the status quo.
Can I get that skirt back?
I recently graduated from university. I don’t have much experience with roommates because I lived at home during my studies. When I met my current roommate to talk about sharing his apartment, he told me he occasionally wore cross-dressing – I think I was sure I had no problem with it. Not me! But I do have a problem with it going through my closet when I’m not home. Things are definitely not where I leave them. Otherwise, our apartment share works well. Advice?
JULY
You make an excellent distinction: supporting your roommate’s interest in cross-dressing is different from giving him access to your closet. Say, “I like living with you, but you have to respect my privacy — and stay out of my closet — if this part of the apartment is going to work.” Ask him to promise he will. If he breaks his word or you don’t trust him, look for new digs. Feeling compelled to lock up your room (or closet) from a pushy roommate violates home security.
That’s not my name
My husband and I got married two years ago. I chose to keep my name, a decision my husband respects. I have no problem with people who don’t know this calling me by my husband’s last name. My problem is that my mother-in-law – who does know – still addresses me by my husband’s name every time she sends a card or letter. My husband spoke to her the first time it happened: he told her I kept my name. She seemed fine with it, but she keeps using the wrong name. (She’s also very sensitive.) Should we raise this again or let it go?
DAUGHTER IN LAW
I get the same question (up to the sensitivity of the mother-in-law) about 20 times a year. I always wondered what the motives of these mothers-in-law were, because I thought that might help solve the case. Because a woman’s decision to keep her name has been common for decades.
Now I don’t care about motivation anymore. Your name can be an important part of your identity. And your mother-in-law’s sensitivity doesn’t give her the right to misname you. If this bothers you, call and politely remind her to use your legal last name. (To all the women who haven’t corrected their mother-in-law and who will write to say it’s not worth it: That was your choice—not the only choice.)
No dogs allowed
I never enjoyed being around dogs. But last year I discovered that I am also allergic to it. (My allergist did a skin test.) My brother and his girlfriend adore their dog. At home gatherings they always ask me if they can let their dog in “for a while”. I’m afraid if I refuse every time, there will be a distance between us. What should I do?
SISTER
You are allergic to dogs! You have every right to ask your brother and his girlfriend to keep their dog out if you see them. You’re also sadly right that your refusal to let the dog in may make them less likely to visit you.
But that’s no reason to subject yourself to known allergens. Let them know how sorry you are that your health requires them to keep their pet out – even if you don’t regret it! That can help.
For help with your difficult situation, send an inquiry to SocialQ., to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.